sinking not swimming

I'm sinking and just feel like screaming as loud as possible from the top of my lungs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

that's a little better.

Hmmm... Different

Hipperholmes - Cheyanne, Holly, Me, Phil in front, Kyle behind and Closey to the Left

The Hipperholmers in this one are Holly, Sinead, Cheyanne and me

Gemma took this when I came back drunk and she kept saying I had a cheesy smile. Its at like 5 in the morning so I do not remember this one being taken! Just got back from the night out and I had be rambling for ages.

Below Me and Cheyanne. She was my best friend from home

Everyone says I look different now. I mean I know I put on weight at Uni around my face, which I intend to do something about but I've also cut my hair. And these are the pics I took of it to show mum, before Iwent for a night out. See what you think....

Oh and one of my old friends have had a baby :O she has a house of her own with her boyfriend and a car. The baby's cute a baby boy 3 weeks early, she had to have a caeserean due to the placenta having stopped feeding the baby.

They are both doing fine now, saw them last Friday, shocker as I didn't know she was pregnant. Things you miss out on when your at uni.

xx

3am again

It's just past 3am and still I am not asleep. This is like the 4th night running :( and it's all because of exam worry.

Best is I have no energy to concentrate on revision either so I waste about 4hours anight doing nothing! Its ridiculous.

I am really behind and stuck with revision now.

I really want to pass this one.
:(

xx

R.I.P

Last Wednesday, was a day 6 years ago that I will never forget.

It was the day I would never see my best friend ever again.

The thing is, I feel as though I could have done more. I should have done more. We were meant to hang out that week. But a change of family plans meant I went away to the caravan. We exchanged texts that weekend. And I will always remember, my friends at the caravan snatched my phone off me and texted him. So i grabbed it back. And sent " Sorry it was my friends. Text you later, Love Claire x"

Little did I realise that was the last text off me he would receive. I text him the following day, no reply. So I thought I would wait for him to text me back. I never will forget that day. You see people believed we wasn't as close as what we were. Outside of school, on the way to and from school we hung out. At the beginning of registration and end of lunch was prank time. This is where he would play a prank on whoever was unfortunate that day. I remember once he glued our Form tutor chair and he sat on it! haha.

Anyways, I went home and was walking my dog. My neighbour was sat on the step and said hello to me. On the way back she collared me.

"Hey Claire, Do you know anyone called Matthew Ringrose?"

I replied yes. She went on to ask his middle name to which I replied Ian David. She said I have something for you to read in the paper. I must have looked puzzled as I could think of no reason for him to be in the paper. I mean he was extremely mischievous. I looked at Jack, he face displayed mixed emotions. Shock, upset, and annoyance.

I read the following;

BOY, 13, FOUND HANGED

A family is in mourning after a 13-year-old boy was found hanged at his grandparents' house.

An inquest was opened and adjourned today after Matthew Ian David Ringrose was found shortly before midnight on Monday at the home of his grandmother Connie, and grandfather Alfred, in Illingworth Drive, Illingworth, Halifax.

The boy, of Moor Top Gardens, Bradshaw, Halifax was taken to Calderdale Royal Hospital but later died.

A post-mortem examination had been carried out but further tests were being carried out. There are no suspicious circumstances.

My body went into shock, and I ran. Instead of running in the direction of my house, I just ran.... after running for what felt like eternity the pain was still there. I ran into my house and up the stairs were I collapsed in the bathroom with the pain. Tears streaming down my face, screaming that seemed as though it was coming from far away but later turned out to be the sound of my voice. I could not gasp for air. I did not want to gasp for air. There must be a mistake! There must be another Matthew Ian David Ringrose that lived at Moor Top Gardens. There must be. He wouldn't have the guts to do something like that. It can't be him. I know him, he wouldn't. I was texting him! He didn't say anything had upset him. He was happy. And then for the sudden realisation as my mum wrapped her arms around me.

It was him.

I texted him. But he didn't text back straight away. In fact he didn't text back at all....

My best friend had a moment of need, and I wasn't there. He died, yet I didn't feel a thing, there was no sign.

The rest of the day was agonising. I was supposed to meet my other best friend Cheyanne. We were going swimming. I didn't feel like I could go. But Cheyanne was somehow related to him. She'd need me now. But why hadn't she told me. I texted Holly, to see if she knew. If Cheyanne had mentioned anything. She did not know. Devastated.

I met Cheyanne. We Went swimming. I was not allow to show tears. Only laughter mum said. We laughed up until the point of crying. No, she must not know. Should I be the person to tell her?

I wasn't sure, but I knew her mum was the best person to tell her so I got her on the bus and took her home. But whilst waiting in the bus stop queue. I saw someone reading the article, then they asked there son if they knew who it was. The conversation was becoming too loud, I had to speak up, do something stupid to distract Cheyanne. So I pretended to fall hitting my head into the glass window. She laughed in hysterics. And that was enough of a distraction.

Her mum told her the news. The funeral was a week later.

We turned up 15 minutes early. But there was no room. We stood outside. I had not seen Cheyanne pass yet. But I saw groups of people from our school. The new head of year, Mrs Tank (who had many runnings with Matthew, yet once had let him choose the music for assembly and he chose Avril Lavigne - Anything but Ordinary. Typical this was him to a tee.) Mr Manning our D&T teacher. Matthew and I were partners in that lesson, and had constructed a bridge that held the most weight before the summer break and won a Mars Bar each. Looking around I saw everyone. And then I saw her. Cheyanne came running up to me. And we both burst into tears. We were crying so loudly that everyone turned to stare. We were looking at each other puffy eyes, runny noses. And then a classic I went to stand back and tripped. We both burst out laughing, crying too as we went. Laughing so hard our parents were concerned as it must have seemed like we were crying still. Then a snort. Which set off more laughter. This is what he would want. Typical prank. :)

Then we said our goodbyes as the coffin had arrived. As it passed, my tears stopped and Cheyanne and Family began to follow behind it. It was small.

Into the church now, yet outside on the grass and the pathways people were still stood. There was no room inside.

The music that played was again a typical Matthew prank. Full blast by accident came on Avril Lavinge- Sk8r Boi until someone jumped up to turn the music down. A smile escaped the corners of my mouth and as I looked around everyone else was smiling too.

Every year I visit his grave. I will never forget him. Or his dad.

Matthew always wanted me to meet his dad and hang out at the gym. I was always too busy. But it was the least I could do now. And we got on like a house on fire, just like Matt knew we would. We shared memories, looked at photo's, laughed together, cried together.

I will never forget you Matt. I have too many good memories. And I have you to thank for making me realise, life really is too short. And to put both my friends and family first.

R.I.P

Love Claire

x

p.s. It was later found out Matt did not hang himself. Just like I knew he wouldn't.

I was on holiday abroad when I read the following article in the Sun newspaper;

LAD KILLED BY ESCAPE STUNT

A schoolboy fascinated by escapology died accidentally after slipping a noose round his neck. Matthew Ringrose, 13, who used to experiment with knots, tied himself up with a dressing gown cord, an inquest heard. It got tighter as he wriggled and it strangled him.

His mum Janet Palfreyman told the hearing in her home to of Halifax, West Yorks, the lad had gone to stay with his grandma.

Janet got a call from her mother during the night to say he had locked himself in the bathroom.

She went to the house, broke down the bathroom door and found him dead. Verdict; ACCIDENT

Today Everything Seems a little bit better....

Today I have had work. Just the usual. A Few things tho have helped. Last night I tried this new hypnostics audiobook I've downloaded and felt better about my exam.

But somethings have made my day:

- Having a catch up with Viv, Jeanette and Jilly at work.

-Making time to be myself. Catch up with friends and have late night chats :D

- Having something to look forward to tomorrow.

I look late night chats and do not understand why I really gave them up. I try to keep up with my friends but there are often those who are impossible to catch up with.

You know what, it's friends that makes you realise that you actually enjoy living in Lancaster and that more than likely you have just forgot all the pro's

Night all,

xxx

p.s. mum even commented on my mood. Apparently I laughed and she hadn't seen my laugh in a long time (to be fair it was about someone asking me how I even began to google this http://www.tokyotimes.org/

archives/hard_gay04.jpg

Quote of the Day: "Take life as it comes"

Song of the Day: 19-2000 (soulchild remix) - Gorillaz

Mood: Happy but restless

And at last I have exploded... :(

I am sick of it.

I know no one who wants to help and am sick of asking people to be told either "We will cross that bridge when we come to it." or "i dunno"

I've had enough. And people in particular make it worse. I dunno where to go or who to turn to . i have never failed before. I did put in the effort. I had extra stress. I had family issues. I have found it so much harder to cope, my dyslexia is making it hard to cope with and understand certain subjects and i am really struggling when it comes to exams.

I have to much stress. Too many worries. And I really do want answers to my questions. But don't know who to ask.

I am in tears again. Which has happened many times this summer. Money worries are making things worse.

I have tried the student room.com and general searches to the internet. I am really unhappy with my degree and wonder if thats why I failed. But i am crap at exams too.

I want to know what my choices are

if i fail resits? What happens then?

I'd rather not continue with my degree as it does not have the following and I wish to know how to get the following

-> Year in Industry

-> a year study abroad

-> a gap year traveling without any money

Also I want to know that if I fail my first year am I allowed to tranfer to a different uni and start a different course? As that was the problem the first time.

What happens to my accomodation if i do so?

What if I tranfer to a different course within Lancaster or Cumbria university?

Should I take product design/graphic or geography

Do i have to fund any of the above myself...because I CAN'T I have no money!

I really do not know what to do. But all i know is I do not want to do my degree. Fair enough if I had a year in placement or abroad thrown in there then i would be happier!

Help anyone.

Please If you know anyone I can contact at Lancaster University to help with these queries someone who will listern and is not biased towards business or biased towards Lancaster Uni.

and someone who wouldnt mind if I did break down crying. As this will indefinately happen. Someone who understands I have dyslexia, and need to be told clearly! I cannot resit my current exams if I do not have an action plan in place for failing.Or even if I manage to pass.

I do not want to do my degree no more.

Quote of the day: By me " Do not believe everything you are told, your degree is not designed around you and you will have to take subjects you hate no matter what!"

Why are people always insistant on trying to set me up!

People always want to set me up whether it be there cousins or their friends or a friend of a friend. It still happens.

The fact of the matter is besides my last boyfriend Tom, who I started dating and did like. But then decided to dump him because believe it or not it was me not him. And to explain, he was brilliant at everything (a walking encylopedia) and nearly got in to Cambridge, very kind to everyone and everything almost too kind. Yorkshire, which was good for the banter :) He made me smile, made me happy. The only thing to fault was his music and bizzare film tastes. But I realised, I was an emotional train wreck. And it's when you realise that not even your best friend at home understands the family ...for example I have a cousin. Who was like a sister. Brought up by my grandma and grandad. And mum has a twin. My cousins mum. The reason why we don't talk to both. The reason I have never seen my aunty. And why she died and I don't give a fuck. And why my Grandma didn't go to her own daughters funeral. I come with far too much baggage, and I am not about to go a wreck his life lol.

My last proper relationship was brilliant, yet nasty. Violent. But also I was so in love. It's hard to explain. But I dated this guy since I was 15 till 18. To explain what happened is a chore. And I would only confide in those that I trust.

When I got out of that relationship, he was all I longed for, even sometimes now lol.

But I thought this meant a new start. I would find someone like this;

“Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep... wait for the boy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you're just as pretty without makeup on. One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky his is to have you.... The one who turns to his friends and says, 'that's her.'”

(borrowed from a friends blog).

But today, I realised I can't have a boyfriend at all. And won't or at least try not to. The thing I wanted a year ago from now was love. I wanted it more than anything in the world. And to grow old with that someone and have a family of my own.

But right now, all I want more than anything is for me not to affect people's lives. Not to kiss. Not to fall in love. Not to like anyone in that way for it ever to happen. I know I am asking for the near impossible but believe it or not. I care too much about other people.

I used to like a bestfriend. And that ended badly. Now it's rare if I ever talk to him. Which is a shame because he was a damn good best friend. He was my equal.

I like someone now. Alot. But I am refusing to acknowledge this feeling openly. He's a friend. And I am guessing he doesn't know I like him unless I made it that obvious.

I am nice when I am in love. Fun to be around. But for now I am happy. I am not going to act on things. If they happen they happen, but otherwise I am not trying :P

xxx

When things are looking up...the crash down again with an almighty thud.

Things were looking up. Not okay but certainly a little better. The family are not as upset about the recent family death and more. And I was starting to feel like I could see how my re-sits went.

However, I recieved an email to say that I needed to make all my choices again and within this email was a link to a document that stated. If I fail my resit a.k.a do not get 45% then I am disqualified from the re-sit and will not be allowed to gain a degree at Lancaster University. Which sucks, and leads me on to thinking.... what then? Will I be allowed in at another University to sit an Undergrate degree. I am really worried about this. And if I'd have to take out a gap year, which could ultimately not be spent doing Gap Year things like travelling....which leads me on to my next big worry.

Money.

Money has always been an issue with my family.

But it has only been as bad as this once before. And that was when my mum was giving birth to me. My dad, was a wanker and has always been. I was planned. But he thought my mum was too fat when pregnant even tho only weighing 9st. Basically he left mum before I was born by giving her an ultimatum. Let's just say she chose me and her family. So on pregnancy leave and now without a home she lived with my grandma and grandad a while (with no income). Ever since then shes had a few jobs. And then one final one which she loves. It was just a basic 9-5 job a low paid, but it was about achieveing job satisfaction and paying the bills. Which was fine until recently, she got put on 4 day weeks. instead of 5. Thus lowering her income, which didn't seem to bad at first.

But it's not just that. I mean I know mum can't help me out. I am at the bottom of my overdraft (maxed out in other words), so I can't help out with bills. I am working all the hours I can at Whsmiths but still haven't been paid yet as my start date fell in line with the fact I will get paid at the end of the month. Meanwhile I have had to scrap money together to pay my phone bill and there are other costs as well which mum has paid but I have to pay back, such as examination re-sits, and perscription charges this weeks was £21 something or other! It';s ridiculous.

Then I have accomodation to pay for during my weeks stay at lancaster which is £69.50 and then on top of this I will have food costs and travel costs! Which is ridiculous.

Also we have a dog. Who has to go to the vets every month for blood and urine tests to see if her kidney problem is getting worse. And also requires medication. Then recently she has been poorly with something else which means consultations every week at £40 and then if the vet does anything up to £150! The there's our car, that failed the MOT and mum has had to get rid of it.

So we have no car and are borrowing grandma's occassionally. But again it's extra costs for insurance and things.

Then today of all days when I am worrying about all these other things. My personal money worries get worse. I got my accomodation bill through for next year. and have realised that my loan will not cover it. £4003.00 or £1336.00 per term. Thats not even covering food or nights out :0. and because I am literally at the bottom of my overdraft my student loan will just pay that off then I am back in before I start. So much for a gap year!

Best thing is. Lancaster as much as I love it. Does not seem like the place for me.

Everything that could possibly go wrong. Does!

I dunno what to do. I feel like the titanic. I was unsinkable. But then I hit an iceburg. It was inevitable that I was going to sink. But how fast I sank was the question. I feel like I am sinking deeper and deeper and all too quick that I cannot even gasp for air or take in my surroundings!

I'm in a pickle and so badly want to get out.

I am more unsure about everything than ever before. And dunno how to seek help or who to go to. I hope it gets better soon. And I hope that my moral of never giving up on anything does me well.

Peace out x

Today's song: One Repulic - Tyrant

Today's quotes:

"Our greatest glory is not in never failing but in rising up everytime we fail"

- Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Never give up on what you really want to do. The person with big dreams is more powerful than one with all the facts"

My life is at it's crossroad

I always thought I had passed my crossroad, passed it without even realising. I've always wondered what the big deal about them were anyway. Until today.

You see my life is at a crossroads. And I am the chicken. Ok the chicken bit needs to be explained later because right now it won't make sense. But for now I will continue.

The crossroads in my life right now are leading so many different ways, but the path of each one of those roads, remains unclear. I have the basic University Graduate and University Dropout as my main roads. But then my minor roads are all over the place and there are so many that vary from internships, fight for a year abroad, start over in a new place with a new subject, placements, societies to join, jobs to get, and modules to choose.

There is ofcourse the major thing. Do I become successful and do what I want, leaving my family in affect behind. Or do I remain the girl that always got in to places and achieved things the family never did but stayed at home close to the family and now works in a supermarket?

I have dreams, aspirations. But as of yet these are not so clear. I am like Alice from Twilight. My visions are somewhat subjective. I can't see what they are clearly because what I want is changing all the time.

Monday and a Tuesday Just me

Well this is probably the only week day I will be left alone before next September. I mean life’s great at uni J I love every minute of it and I love having my own place, because life becomes stressful when you begin to be an adult and you live at home with your parents. Or in my case my mum and my grandma. People never think about this, but my Grandma as lovely as she is can be very opinionated and with her living under the same roof, instead of a mum and dad that balance out. It’s more like having two mum’s with two completely different morals. You see Grandma still lives in the days of courting and hates it when I go out or drink. Even though I am 19. I think she’s just scared that after all I have been through I have had to grow up too soon, too fast and that me not going out drinking means that I get the childhood I never had.

So I thought about lounging about all day Monday, the lovely long lie in that I was going to have. Well truth is it didn’t happen. I realised before I went to bed that the next day I had an appointment with Davey at 11am. I like getting up on such days because I know whatever worries I have had this week will soon disappear. My motivation will come back, and all my problems will be sorted. Plus I enjoy learning new techniques to help me cope with my dyslexia. Instead of getting myself down about my learning difficulty, I am taught new ways in which to use it as my secret weapon : )

Monday I was very motivated after the session and have to learn around 70 new words (course relevant) over the summer and be able to spell them and tell you exactly what they mean. This may seem easy to a normal person. But I find it very hard to speak anything but simple language and often find my self daily either looking up words people have said to me or asking them what it means. This makes me feel stupid, especially around my flatmates. Two of them in particular, as if I ask they make a joke of how simple or dumb I am. Which don’t get me wrong was ok to begin with but it does get me down a lot now and when they joke about me being a spaz. Hmmm :S

On Monday I was also trying to sort out my course for next year but my course administer has still not emailed me back. Which at this stage having it been 2 nearly 3 days is very annoying. Anyway, I stayed in Uni a while and then I came back and watched more one tree hill and saw the most emotional episode ever! I thought I was watching Grey’s Anatomy, but nope reality check it was one tree hill and it did make me cry all the way through. This also meant I couldn’t sleep for a while so I had to watch a few more.

Tuesday – That’s today.

Well today kept waking up because of the heat. But to tell you the truth was a little tired to get up just yet. So instead I watched more one tree hill. Grabbed a shower, then went into Uni again yet to have another meeting. This time with a lovely women who is there for me to send an email about what books I want and then she collects them and ensures I get a longer loan period. This even includes 24 hour short loan... I can have until 48hours etc...

She was really nice and kind and showed me what other services are on offer for me. Which should make my life easier in the 2^nd year and most definitely with me now receiving the necessary help, that should have been in place this year, they are hoping as am I that my grades go through the roof, as this year they have been somewhat poor, due to the mess in diagnosing me correctly and my marks being penalised and me not getting sufficient support.

I am feeling very positive now. And have even come back and made butterfly cakes J yum yum J

Better go, have to start my mum’s present.

X

“ Never let the fear of striking out, Keep you from playing the game” – A Cinderella’s Story

Fight through the pain...and the feeling will become so great

After waking up at 6am after having less than 2 hours sleep, trying to remember why you are dragging your body out of bed. Preparing to walk to the bus station at 7am to get there for a bus that leaves at 7.50am is tough. So why bother? That was the thought that ran through my mind this Sunday. However, glancing at the desk once more to understand what today meant to thousands of people was ultimately the reason that I got out of bed.

The bus journey to Preston made me feel sick. We picked up Jen at the underpass, and whilst the two of them chatted I started out of the window. I never understood why I have developed travel sickness for just buses...random. When we got to the bus station we would have to grab a cab to moor park because not originating from Preston sadly meant I barely knew my way around. Sure I had seen Penworth a number of times, I had been to the train station countless of times, and in the centre 4 times. But seriously I was no where near finding my way around just yet. But then the number 40 bus went straight along side it moor park! What were the chances! This also meant however, we were far to early. Like how about 2 hours. Lol. The race started at 11am and the warm up’s / when you should be arriving at 10am. We got to the middle of the park around 2 hours early. Great.

Running through the crowd, Hearing people cheer

Taking part in the warm up’s, hearing people’s stories

MAKES YOU FIGHT THE PAIN

There is nothing that takes away that feeling. I complete the race for life feeling estactic. I ran this for my best friend's dad this year. But also for my grandma who survived along time ago and Ray, our friend who is still fighting.

One day there will be a cure. And until then I guess I'll just keep running each year :)

Peace x

Instead of a quote here is something different that I found.

THE CANCER CHANT, I WILL RANT.
A poem contributed by a visitor of Healing Cancer Naturally

Cancer I did not give you the right,
To invade my body and take a bite.
This is my body and with all my might,
I will prevail with one hell of a fight.
To the cancer inside, I will battle and kill.
For that is my body's God given will.
To my cancer, these words I do send.
Your life is short and near the end.
(For Lucy & all those fighting cancer)
J Joens, 10/13/05

Don’t say your world stopped [following a cancer diagnosis], you can make the choice today to turn it around so that your world will only just begin. It is a good experience to learn how to overcome a cancer diagnosis and to be in charge of your body rather than a victim. Laugh often - it is good medicine.
Allan, “terminal” colon cancer victor

Race for Life...

Here goes. I am running the Race for life tomorrow in Preston. Have to be in Lancaster Bus Station for 8am. So getting up at 6.30am but it will be worth it in the end :)

There are several reasons why I am running this event tomorrow and why now.

1) I have done a lot of funderaising in the past with my family, mainly my grandad. We used to organise Charity shows at the caravan. Where in the club there is always an act on each night from 9-11pm, and we thought that at the end of each year we would arrange a charty show instead. We used to have a spot from 7-1pm. My grandad would organise it and each year I would have a spot to fill. Sometimes more than one. My whole family would be involved and the people we were friends with there. I have done several events like this as well as minor running events or the compulsary sports day events at school I would raise money. Also as kids we used to save up our loose change and donate it to charity. However, most of my fund-raising died back in 2001, along with my music and my Grandad. My Grandad was truely an inspiration to me. And since I have accomplished getting into University (which is something he always wanted me to do). I thought it was about time I put the rest of my life back on track. I have started playing the piano again thanks to a flatmate :) just the fund-raising to get back on track now :)

2) Before I was alive my Grandma had cancer, she was a surviour and has ever since donated money to cancer research UK. She went through alot and my family really did believe that we would loose her.

3) One of our friend's who used to be in the Charity show at the caravan is still trying to beat cancer and so far is succeeding.

4) Unfortunately, last year a few days before christmas I recieved a call from my best friend. To say she was sorry, she couldn't go out tonight because her dad had just died. Do you realise how hard it was for her and her lovely family at that time of year. He was literally diagnozed with cancer months before.

5) I have realised that life sucks sometimes, but we just have to step up and fight back. People need to stand up and take a stand for what they believe in. And no matter how many thousands of people will race these next couple of weeks. Every person is making a difference and this makes us one step closer to a cure, so family's like the above do not have to suffer such a loss.

"Feed your faith and your fears will starve to death"

x

People often let you down, but when it comes to friends it hurts...

How come friends always bail out at the last moment and can't make decisions? I miss out on most of my life's to do before I die list because my friends always bail out on me and leave it too late to tell me so I cannot get anyone else to go.

For this reason, I am blogging again. Because the University Exams have finished now and most people have gone home. So those left promised to take me to this foam party as I have never been to one and there have been plenty of opportunities over the course of the year, but of course as per usual "friends" bale out.

It's annoying as they know how much I have wanted to go all year. This one had free entry before 11am too, but my friend got ready and then I said are you ready to go and she said just gotta do a couple of things. 10 to 11 she told me she wasn't going this sucks. ALOT. L

My aim for first year was to go. And with or without her I will do it.

 

Peace out.

 

P.s. Again I will leave with a quote.

"Live your life without regret"

 

I wish this applied to me right now