Things were looking up. Not okay but certainly a little better. The family are not as upset about the recent family death and more. And I was starting to feel like I could see how my re-sits went.
However, I recieved an email to say that I needed to make all my choices again and within this email was a link to a document that stated. If I fail my resit a.k.a do not get 45% then I am disqualified from the re-sit and will not be allowed to gain a degree at Lancaster University. Which sucks, and leads me on to thinking.... what then? Will I be allowed in at another University to sit an Undergrate degree. I am really worried about this. And if I'd have to take out a gap year, which could ultimately not be spent doing Gap Year things like travelling....which leads me on to my next big worry.
Money.
Money has always been an issue with my family.
But it has only been as bad as this once before. And that was when my mum was giving birth to me. My dad, was a wanker and has always been. I was planned. But he thought my mum was too fat when pregnant even tho only weighing 9st. Basically he left mum before I was born by giving her an ultimatum. Let's just say she chose me and her family. So on pregnancy leave and now without a home she lived with my grandma and grandad a while (with no income). Ever since then shes had a few jobs. And then one final one which she loves. It was just a basic 9-5 job a low paid, but it was about achieveing job satisfaction and paying the bills. Which was fine until recently, she got put on 4 day weeks. instead of 5. Thus lowering her income, which didn't seem to bad at first.
But it's not just that. I mean I know mum can't help me out. I am at the bottom of my overdraft (maxed out in other words), so I can't help out with bills. I am working all the hours I can at Whsmiths but still haven't been paid yet as my start date fell in line with the fact I will get paid at the end of the month. Meanwhile I have had to scrap money together to pay my phone bill and there are other costs as well which mum has paid but I have to pay back, such as examination re-sits, and perscription charges this weeks was £21 something or other! It';s ridiculous.
Then I have accomodation to pay for during my weeks stay at lancaster which is £69.50 and then on top of this I will have food costs and travel costs! Which is ridiculous.
Also we have a dog. Who has to go to the vets every month for blood and urine tests to see if her kidney problem is getting worse. And also requires medication. Then recently she has been poorly with something else which means consultations every week at £40 and then if the vet does anything up to £150! The there's our car, that failed the MOT and mum has had to get rid of it.
So we have no car and are borrowing grandma's occassionally. But again it's extra costs for insurance and things.
Then today of all days when I am worrying about all these other things. My personal money worries get worse. I got my accomodation bill through for next year. and have realised that my loan will not cover it. £4003.00 or £1336.00 per term. Thats not even covering food or nights out :0. and because I am literally at the bottom of my overdraft my student loan will just pay that off then I am back in before I start. So much for a gap year!
Best thing is. Lancaster as much as I love it. Does not seem like the place for me.
Everything that could possibly go wrong. Does!
I dunno what to do. I feel like the titanic. I was unsinkable. But then I hit an iceburg. It was inevitable that I was going to sink. But how fast I sank was the question. I feel like I am sinking deeper and deeper and all too quick that I cannot even gasp for air or take in my surroundings!
I'm in a pickle and so badly want to get out.
I am more unsure about everything than ever before. And dunno how to seek help or who to go to. I hope it gets better soon. And I hope that my moral of never giving up on anything does me well.
Peace out x
Today's song: One Repulic - Tyrant
Today's quotes:
"Our greatest glory is not in never failing but in rising up everytime we fail"
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
"Never give up on what you really want to do. The person with big dreams is more powerful than one with all the facts"
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