Why are people always insistant on trying to set me up!

People always want to set me up whether it be there cousins or their friends or a friend of a friend. It still happens.

The fact of the matter is besides my last boyfriend Tom, who I started dating and did like. But then decided to dump him because believe it or not it was me not him. And to explain, he was brilliant at everything (a walking encylopedia) and nearly got in to Cambridge, very kind to everyone and everything almost too kind. Yorkshire, which was good for the banter :) He made me smile, made me happy. The only thing to fault was his music and bizzare film tastes. But I realised, I was an emotional train wreck. And it's when you realise that not even your best friend at home understands the family ...for example I have a cousin. Who was like a sister. Brought up by my grandma and grandad. And mum has a twin. My cousins mum. The reason why we don't talk to both. The reason I have never seen my aunty. And why she died and I don't give a fuck. And why my Grandma didn't go to her own daughters funeral. I come with far too much baggage, and I am not about to go a wreck his life lol.

My last proper relationship was brilliant, yet nasty. Violent. But also I was so in love. It's hard to explain. But I dated this guy since I was 15 till 18. To explain what happened is a chore. And I would only confide in those that I trust.

When I got out of that relationship, he was all I longed for, even sometimes now lol.

But I thought this meant a new start. I would find someone like this;

“Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep... wait for the boy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you're just as pretty without makeup on. One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky his is to have you.... The one who turns to his friends and says, 'that's her.'”

(borrowed from a friends blog).

But today, I realised I can't have a boyfriend at all. And won't or at least try not to. The thing I wanted a year ago from now was love. I wanted it more than anything in the world. And to grow old with that someone and have a family of my own.

But right now, all I want more than anything is for me not to affect people's lives. Not to kiss. Not to fall in love. Not to like anyone in that way for it ever to happen. I know I am asking for the near impossible but believe it or not. I care too much about other people.

I used to like a bestfriend. And that ended badly. Now it's rare if I ever talk to him. Which is a shame because he was a damn good best friend. He was my equal.

I like someone now. Alot. But I am refusing to acknowledge this feeling openly. He's a friend. And I am guessing he doesn't know I like him unless I made it that obvious.

I am nice when I am in love. Fun to be around. But for now I am happy. I am not going to act on things. If they happen they happen, but otherwise I am not trying :P

xxx